I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I can’t help it. I’m such an emotional human being. When I care about someone or something, I care hard. When I love someone or something, I love hard. With that being said, it’s easy for me to be taken advantage of or walked over. Most people know me as being strong-willed, dominating and a leader. I’ll admit, most times, I’m a strong person. But when it comes to matters of the heart, I’m as soft as they come. I care about others feelings, I care about what people think of me and I care about how I’ll be judged. It openly shows across my face, in my behavior and in my actions. Often times my heart is so involved that I over-think things, say something that I should have kept to myself and immediately regret it. This never fails.
For the most part, I feel that opening up will lift a weight off me; it will make me feel FREE! But in the end, it makes me wish I would have had better judgement and just held it in. It’s as if I go through the 6 Steps of Decision Making;
- The idea comes to mind.
- I get heavy feelings about the situation.
- I go back and forth in my head.
- I say something (thinking it will make me feel better-feel free!).
- I immediately regret it after its too late because it’s been said and I now want to kick myself, and finally
- I evaluate what’s been done, I say “fuck it” and think to myself “YOLO!” it’s better that it was said. Which I guess could be true, but I could have handled it better.
I wish I could be the type of person who just didn’t care about feelings or show emotions. Example: didn’t work out with that one person? Oh well, on to the next! But that’s not me. I’m a lover and this is a curse for me. I’m very passionate when it comes to who/what I care about. Explains a lot, as to why it takes me so long to move on from someone. I’m a very loyal person, so in order for me to truly erase you out of my life, you’d have to do something seriously unforgivable. I can’t help that I have such a big heart. I want to help and love everyone….even in situations where I shouldn’t. And that typically gets me in trouble…all the time. I got myself in some trouble recently, but that’s a story for another time.
So, if you see me walking around and I’m not looking like the strong, virile lioness you’re used to seeing, chances are I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve; it’s open and raw for everyone to see. You’ll know that I’m vulnerable and feeling some type of way…clearly. And it’s probably the easiest time to get whatever you want out of me! But don’t fret, as with anything else in life, this too shall pass. I just wish it were easier for me to get from my initial thought to that mindset without going through the entire process!
I said I would catch flights and not feelings, yet here I am. But it’s not too late. Let’s try this again.