It’s been almost 3 months since I began my #Celibate16, and I must say, it’s going pretty well! I’m doing a lot better than I thought I would going into it.
But the truth is, I have absolutely no desire to want to be with anyone or do anything with anyone, for that matter. I’m past the lustful angst that I thought I once exuded and couldn’t live without. I’m so focused on doing me right now, that I don’t even have the energy to waste on anyone else. I’ve gotten to the point where, if someone is meant to be in my life, they will be in my life. And not because I’ve chased them and made it be that way, but because that’s how they wanted it. I am so uninterested in the opposite sex right now, and that’s something I thought I would never hear myself say.
The comical thing about the whole situation is how shocked my friends are that I don’t have the desire to be intimate or that I haven’t cracked yet. They were so gung-ho on the fact that I wouldn’t make it or COULDN’T make it! I guess they thought I didn’t have the willpower. Or better yet, maybe they think I am so frisky that there is no way I could survive. I’ll let you be the judge of which of these two statements is actually true! But for the most part, I’m a pretty strong and determined person and I have tons of self-control and willpower. Once I’ve set my mind on something, it’s getting done, one way or another.
I’m pretty interested to see how the rest of the year pans out. I’m excited to see how my body feels, how I feel about myself and how empowered I will feel for keeping the one thing to myself that is so easy to be given up to the persuasion of the opposite sex. And for what? To be promised false hope? To be given the impression of love when it’s only lust? Nah, I’m good. I’m so over that part of my life. For a really long time I was looking for affection wherever I could get it and that made me cling to anyone who would show me attention. I found myself with people whom I knew I was way too good for, but because they looked at me in a way that made me feel special, I was into it; even when I knew I shouldn’t have been. So now, I don’t want to chase anymore. I don’t want to keep running to and from the same guys. I always felt comfortable with them because I knew them. I have a big problem with letting new people in my life, so it was convenient to run back to the same old Joe Schmos. But I’m over that. Especially when it sounds all cute and appealing when they sweet talk me or are excited to see me when I make a trip back home. Then, once I’ve left, the thrill is gone. That’s the main reason I’ve decided to be celibate. There is more to me than my body. I’m actually a cool person once you get past the exterior; or in this case, once you get past the feels of my interior.
Once I moved 3,000 miles away, I was able to see who was in my life for the long haul and who was in my life for a season. The people who are in my life for the long haul talk to me daily (or almost daily), care about what’s actually going on in my life, they have no ulterior motive and they don’t mess with my feels. WOW! That escalated quickly! This post has really taken a turn! I wasn’t expecting to get this deep. But now that I am here, I might as well let it flow. Although this is the year of #Celibate16 for me, it is also the year of letting go. It is the year of going into the unknown and getting rid of the fear. It is also the year of getting rid of all the toxicity in my life. So no, I have no desire to continue to deal with assholes who don’t appreciate my worth and only see me as an easy lay. I’ve been on that road for far too long and I refuse to let it continue. When I say I’m done, I’m done. Believe my word as my word is bond. If you don’t hear from me when I’m home, or hear from me at all, don’t be surprised. It means I no longer have the desire to entertain the immature way my emotions are handled. Unless you can present something more to me than just the sweet talk, there’s really no reason for me to answer when the past calls, because it has nothing new to say.
There comes a point when people get fed up. There is only so much a person can take. I feel like a puppet, a stupid puppet on a string who has given others the control to my emotions. I let them pick me up and make me happy then I let them drag me down to my deepest, saddest moments where I was made to feel that I had no self-worth. How could I be so dumb as to let people make me feel this way when in reality they don’t even deserve the time of day from me? I see my beauty now and all that I am worth. I think they think that I will always be in their back pocket; they can pull me out at their disposal whenever they’d like. Well, sweetie, I’ve grown up now and I’ve seen the light. I’m hip to how I’ve been played for so long, and I didn’t even realize it was happening! Whoa….reel it back in Tiff, reel it back in. I’m getting in waaaaay too deep.
The bottom line is, I should be able to carefully choose who I give the most special part of me to. For far too long, I have given it to jokers who didn’t deserve it. So again I say, I HAVE NO DESIRE! And when the desire comes back, it will be because someone who is worthy of my time has earned it. When that time comes, I will know because it will feel right and it won’t even be a second thought in my mind.